What Women Want (Outsourced Entry)

(names changed to protect the innocent)

I am of the firm belief that humans were never meant for stasis and certainty. That everyone to differing extents craves uncertainty, variety, and change.

But maybe I'm an addict.

This is not a response to K's entry, but something I've been thinking about for the past few days. Think of it as another of my current-topics-of-fascination.

I've been thinking about, really, single motherhood. Being a single mother. I guess in part this was brought about by talking to X, who's my age and already expecting her first. And the sobering articles lately about how fertility plunges after 35 and weird shit like ovaries shrinking, etc etc.

[Gee whiz. My biological clock is ticking already?]

See, I want kids. I think I will enjoy being a mother. (K, I can see you snorting your head off already. :P) And recent experiences have told me that maybe I won't be as hopeless a disciplinarian as I originally thought I would be. The catch is this - as hard as I try, I can imagine being with my kids, but I cannot imagine a father for them.

Simply put, I cannot imagine myself in a relationship. It's not about lacking "worthy candidates" now, it's about my very personality. I'm the sort of person who actively craves change and charging out into the world and doing stuff. How does that fit into the context of a relationship? If I get a partner less "active" than I am, will I grow contemptuous of him? If I get a partner equally/more "active", it's not going to be much of a relationship at all. If I get a partner at all, will I grow bored of him, of being with one person all the time? Boredom, after all, is my Achilles heel.

Extract from my diary: Screw monogamy. I am going out and finding a bunch of people who believe in polyamory.

Frankly speaking, I think it would work a helluva lot better for my psyche.

Anyway. Yes. So I was contemplating if, someday, I might want to be a single mother. Of course things will have to be taken into consideration, like how growing up with one parent affects a kid, how will travel affect a kid, what will the kid think when told "I dunno, but your dad came from a sperm bank", yadda yadda yadda. But still. I know it sounds crazy, but until you feel your biological clock ticking, don't knock it. On the other hand, if I can't sustain a relationship with someone, maybe I shouldn't ever be a mother. But how does the (in)ability to sustain a romantic relationship impugn your ability to nurture? To my mind, the two are very different (unless you regard nurturing as part of a romantic relationship, which would be weird, cos then are you having a husband or a son?).

But all this is theoretical, mind. I don't intend to go out and get myself pregnant anytime soon. Meanwhile, I shall go research artificial insemination.

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Edit: Found a sperm bank! Check out the list of donors: here [http://www.nwcryobank.com/donor_listing.asp]. In particular, #038 and #118. Didn't read much further than #118 cos need to go study, but this is terribly interesting.